I Got Your Bailout Right Here! It's time for me to weigh in (something I almost never do when it involves an actual scale) on all this bailout stuff, because it's getting me irritated to the point of hypertension and impending stroke, and right now I cannot afford to die! Let me see if I've got this right: first, gas prices skyrocketed, then the economy crashed, and the dollar fell, and banks went bust, and mortgages defaulted, and foreclosure was rampant, and the stock market plunged, and the auto companies imploded, and finally everyone and their brother schlepped to Washington with both hands out. Did I miss anything? And, apparently our government, in its infernal wisdom, has decided to give a sh -...I mean, truckload...of the taxpayers' money to them...at least to the banks...or the big corporations...or just the auto manufacturers...or the banks, the folks in foreclosure, the auto makers...or possibly just buy up bad mortgages, stress-test the banks, and throw the auto companies under their own SUV's...or all of the above. Huh. Who knew the taxpayers (i.e. ME!) had so much frickin' money? And, who knew I wanted to give it all to these guys? Because, as far as I can recall, NOBODY EVER ASKED ME!!! Sure, the country's having some rough times right now. I know whereof I speak, having been named the Queen of Rough Times when my children were growing up, and you can trust me: these are some rough times. But, when I was drowning in my personal sea of panic, I don't remember anyone presenting me with wads of cash. But, then again, I DON'T REMEMBER ASKING! Whereas the banks (who were pressured by busybodies in Congress into accosting people who apparently wandered in looking for the bathroom, and forcing huge loans upon them) and the American auto makers (who, in my opinion, make fine cars that people want to buy, but have become hamstrung, hogtied, and enslaved by greedy - oh, and INSANE - union demands, including one that has employers paying guys NOT to work!) and even some WHOLE STATES (like California, which everyone is sick of, and would most like to see break off and float out on its pristine, tuna-net-free, whale-loving tide) have come a-begging, and warning that they all must be bailed out or the whole freakin' country can kiss its caboose good-bye! I, in my innocent stupidity, never thought of asking anyone for help (except my family, who tried to move once without telling me). Instead, I became awesomely inventive (always saving the boiling pasta water for the kids' bath...so what if they smelled a little doughy for a few years?); amazingly thrifty (making all my Christmas gifts...usually some kind of wine); and learned to do without things I'd always taken for granted (like, for example, socks). So, my question is: why would this not work just as well for all those giant industries? What's the worst that could happen? Okay, we don't want our banks to fail, because among other things, where would we get all those cute flowered checkbook covers? Plus, who would give us a car loan (besides Vinnie da Nose Ragu, from whom you wouldn't want to borrow a glass of water even if your foot's on fire)? But, before I give them a penny, I'd make them tighten up their lending restrictions pronto, and if Congress thinks that's discriminatory, then Congress can just open its own pockets, and get their hands out of mine! Congress has money. Let THEM lend it to folks who only work in months beginning with L, or who just want a house because it's their right to have a house. You watch - in six months, Congress will be WAILING for a bailout! As for the car companies? First, we tell them to deal with their own issues, and if they can't, they go bankrupt, and we're all driving imports. Eventually, someone will say, hey, I think I'll start an American car company, and they'll do it all over again, having learned a few THINGS NOT TO DO. Meanwhile, people are still shopping. In fact, evidently more folks shopped and spent more on "Black Friday" in 2008, than in 2007. Wait...how is that possible? I thought we were in a crisis of gigantic proportions, going imminently down the drain, and up the creek, and to hell in a handbasket! Well, yeah, the stock market's down...WAAAAAY down...and yes, it look bleak as far as retirement is concerned, but things have a way of working out, my friends. For example, I know that if I can't leave teaching in a few years as planned, the parents of my students will organize a bailout collection to help me retire...for the safety of their children!