I Got Your Bailout Right Here! It's time for me to weigh in (something I almost never do when it involves an actual scale) on all this bailout stuff, because it's getting me irritated to the point of hypertension and impending stroke, and right now I cannot afford to die! Let me see if I've got this right: first, gas prices skyrocketed, then the economy crashed, and the dollar fell, and banks went bust, and mortgages defaulted, and foreclosure was rampant, and the stock market plunged, and the auto companies imploded, and finally everyone and their brother schlepped to Washington with both hands out. Did I miss anything? And, apparently our government, in its infernal wisdom, has decided to give a sh -...I mean, truckload...of the taxpayers' money to them...at least to the banks...or the big corporations...or just the auto manufacturers...or the banks, the folks in foreclosure, the auto makers...or possibly just buy up bad mortgages, stress-test the banks, and throw the auto companies under their own SUV's...or all of the above. Huh. Who knew the taxpayers (i.e. ME!) had so much frickin' money? And, who knew I wanted to give it all to these guys? Because, as far as I can recall, NOBODY EVER ASKED ME!!! Sure, the country's having some rough times right now. I know whereof I speak, having been named the Queen of Rough Times when my children were growing up, and you can trust me: these are some rough times. But, when I was drowning in my personal sea of panic, I don't remember anyone presenting me with wads of cash. But, then again, I DON'T REMEMBER ASKING! Whereas the banks (who were pressured by busybodies in Congress into accosting people who apparently wandered in looking for the bathroom, and forcing huge loans upon them) and the American auto makers (who, in my opinion, make fine cars that people want to buy, but have become hamstrung, hogtied, and enslaved by greedy - oh, and INSANE - union demands, including one that has employers paying guys NOT to work!) and even some WHOLE STATES (like California, which everyone is sick of, and would most like to see break off and float out on its pristine, tuna-net-free, whale-loving tide) have come a-begging, and warning that they all must be bailed out or the whole freakin' country can kiss its caboose good-bye! I, in my innocent stupidity, never thought of asking anyone for help (except my family, who tried to move once without telling me). Instead, I became awesomely inventive (always saving the boiling pasta water for the kids' bath...so what if they smelled a little doughy for a few years?); amazingly thrifty (making all my Christmas gifts...usually some kind of wine); and learned to do without things I'd always taken for granted (like, for example, socks). So, my question is: why would this not work just as well for all those giant industries? What's the worst that could happen? Okay, we don't want our banks to fail, because among other things, where would we get all those cute flowered checkbook covers? Plus, who would give us a car loan (besides Vinnie da Nose Ragu, from whom you wouldn't want to borrow a glass of water even if your foot's on fire)? But, before I give them a penny, I'd make them tighten up their lending restrictions pronto, and if Congress thinks that's discriminatory, then Congress can just open its own pockets, and get their hands out of mine! Congress has money. Let THEM lend it to folks who only work in months beginning with L, or who just want a house because it's their right to have a house. You watch - in six months, Congress will be WAILING for a bailout! As for the car companies? First, we tell them to deal with their own issues, and if they can't, they go bankrupt, and we're all driving imports. Eventually, someone will say, hey, I think I'll start an American car company, and they'll do it all over again, having learned a few THINGS NOT TO DO. Meanwhile, people are still shopping. In fact, evidently more folks shopped and spent more on "Black Friday" in 2008, than in 2007. Wait...how is that possible? I thought we were in a crisis of gigantic proportions, going imminently down the drain, and up the creek, and to hell in a handbasket! Well, yeah, the stock market's down...WAAAAAY down...and yes, it look bleak as far as retirement is concerned, but things have a way of working out, my friends. For example, I know that if I can't leave teaching in a few years as planned, the parents of my students will organize a bailout collection to help me retire...for the safety of their children!

"Dear Mr. President, "I'm writing today on behalf of my two grandsons, Charlie, 5, and Georgie, 3. (They don't know it, but I think they would approve.) Your inauguration is over, your family has moved into the White House, unpacked, and found your way to the kitchen by now, so you might have more down-time to read a letter, not that you'll get much “down-time” in this job...I hope someone told you that. "I have many hopes and dreams for my grandsons, Mr. President. But, I pray that you will, as the days go by, understand and appreciate the urgency of these three: "First, I want my grandchildren safe. I want them to live to an unheard-of old age – not to die because someone thought it was more important not to “offend” a particular group by appearing to over-scrutinize their beliefs and their actions. Or, because someone was deliberately deaf to threats from abroad, in the dangerous hope that these people “don't really mean it” or will change their minds if we just play nicely – as if that hadn't been attempted ad-infinitum in the last 20 years. Or, because we hadn't the strength – of fighting forces, purpose, or will – to defeat these enemies. I want my grandsons protected by a country – and a president – that can perceive a threat without minimizing it, meet a threat without flinching, and destroy a threat without apologizing. Great power, accompanied by great pride, and then seasoned with great kindness. Carry that banner for us, Mr. President. Look at Sasha and Malia...look at your girls. "Second, I want my grandsons growing up in a country that values hard work, initiative, progress, and industry. To be able to follow their dreams wherever they may lead, as you did, without government telling them how far they may go, how much they may earn, or to whom they must give the rewards of their labor. Charity, it's been repeatedly demonstrated, is always greater if it isn't “mandatory.” When one is forced to give to others, it says nothing about one's character; compare that to what is revealed by voluntarily giving from the heart. It is harder to give when no one compels us – and is, thus, infinitely more valuable, infinitely more character-building. This is what I want my grandsons to learn. Some people believe – and will tell you – that if no one is forced to give, then nothing will be given. They are wrong. When Americans suffered the most in this country, they also gave the most. Trust that truth...trust your countrymen. "Third, I don't want my grandsons ever to ask for – or expect – a handout from the government. Our Constitution guarantees a right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. It does not give us a right to free health care, to own a house, or to impose our problems and mistakes on others. It promises the freedom to get out there, roll our sleeves up, and work our proverbial asses off to take care of ourselves. If Charlie and George ever need a helping hand, I want them to look first at the end of their own arms...then maybe call their grandmother. Although she will try never to be a pushover, she will always be there for them, as will their parents and the rest of their family. This is what family is for, Mr. President. It's not what government is for. "No, not everyone has a family, and not every family can help when help is needed, and this country has done more than any other on earth to help its neediest citizens when necessary. But, it is not the government's responsibility to supply all our needs, or to “create” perfection for anyone. Not only are those in government incapable of deciding “what is best” for us, or what we “need” to make us happy, it is supremely arrogant for government to attempt it. Government is not an “it”, it is an “us”. When government distributes a handout, it must be done with our consent – because it must be done with our money. Government has no money, Mr. President. Don't forget that. You must first ask us, and we should, most often, say no. Because, sadly, be assured: when one believes he's “entitled” to some, he will eventually believe he's “entitled” to all. "JFK said, “A rising tide lifts all boats.” I hope your presidency will generate a wave...a swell...a tsunami deep in the soul of this nation, that lifts us to a renewed determination to return the United States to the strong, proud, compassionate but clear-eyed nation it must be. May you be inspired by those who came before you, and inspire those who will follow – and may God guide and bless you...and all of us." by Vicki Wentz (appeared in print January 26, Durham (NC) Herald Sun newspaper; appeared February 1, Las Vegas Review Journal.